Raising a Glass (or a plastic tea cup)

Well, I managed to let the very last Monday of 2008 pass me by without posting My Best Shot. Heavy Sigh.

My husband and I took a few days off without kids or computers (very late notice) and Monday came and went while I was gone. It wasn't until the long drive home that it dawned on me. I totally missed it. I apologize! But, alas, I will not let the end of this year pass without taking notice. And so, I am considering this a kind My Best Shot as we give a farewell toast the year that is almost behind us and a welcome toast to 2009.




It's a big deal to wrap up the year. And it feels particularly good to have a fresh start come Thursday. I want to honor both the coming and the going. Please feel free to join me.

If you've got a shot you'd like to share (something you had ready for Monday or something new) please leave your links.

Farewell to all that 2008 was and Cheers to all that 2009 will be.

Two Rooms

Ali mentioned in a recent post, "I love that many of you are changing up the project to make it fit your life. That is perfect." That's what I love about Ali. There's no pressure with her. She wants to let us off the hook and encourage us to work at our own pace and do it in a way that feels good to us. So refreshing!

I think as I mull over how I'm going to end up creating my book, I might design many pages like this. Almost like a comparison. A contrast. In this case from one daughter's room to the other.



This foursome is especially appealing to me and it represents my daughters and where they are right now, in this moment in time. It makes me very happy. It makes me appreciate who they are and how they are growing up. Becoming their own incredible people in this world. It makes me so proud.

I cannot tell you how much fun I am having with this project. What about you? Are any you playing along? I'm eager to hear how it's going for you? Are you having fun this weekend shooting your world?

On Our Last Day of Summer

rocks on the porch in oregon

photo shot with this cool camera

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

~The Wonder Years

Best Shot Monday's post will come on Monday this week. : ) Come back by tomorrow! Thx.

Reflecting on my Best Shot

I'm a reflections girl on many levels. This shot is one from the PhotoWalk in San Francisco. The reflection itself is a little muddy but I know it's me.

Speaking of muddy...it's been a rough week since we've lost our sweet kitty. Thanks to you all for such kind comments and well-wishes.

So, the question is, what have you been reflecting on this week? Do share your Best Shot with us.

A Tribute to Real Love

We had to say our good-byes yesterday to part of our family.

18 years ago a curious kitten was born in a closet. A few months later I met her (and the compassionate man that assisted her mother giving birth to she and her liter mates amidst piles of his clothing). I fell in love with the man, and his cats. He and I got married. We had two children. And we have never known one another without the cat family in our lives. The mama left us first. And then a sister. And yesterday, the last of our cats had to let go too. 18 years later and the end of such a rich chapter of our lives. The hole she has left feels cavernous. There will always be the open space in our hearts that can never be filled by any other and we will lovingly hold her memory there for always.

Good-bye sweet friend. We have loved you for so long and we shall never forget how blessed we were to have you with us all these years.

Portrait of Mom

There's a mom celebration going on that I heard about via the Parent Blogger Network. It's a little something called Portraits of Mom. There's photo sharing going on and of course, prizes. And if you're in San Francisco or Brooklyn, you can even waltz into a Windows Live studio to get a free portrait with your kids which is something all of us photo moms could really use (as we're never in the photos because we're always taking them). Be sure to read the rules because the pros aren't eligible to enter to win the prizes. I hate that when that happens.

Along with the campaign, the PBN asks us (and YOU are included in the us) to describe our portrait of mom. And timely enough Paige just shared Hand it Over at Shutter Sisters and so I couldn't help but want to share this portrait of me as mom that my talented sister took.

I love having portraits of my kids and I as seen by someone other than myself. I do shoot self-portraits (as you alredy know), but a view through someone elses lens is always refreshing.

What makes this shot especially compelling to me is that it brings to life how I feel about being a mother.

I'm in the center. I am the center. My children revolve, spin and exist around me, both in their reality and mine. Although this is changing and I already see signs of their gradual flight from our insulated, circular nest- right now, this is our life and I am still the center. And for a mother, this can as difficult as it is delightful. Being a mom means giving oneself. The hardest part for me is giving myself without losing myself. I have been vigilant (maybe to a fault at times) about holding on to me as me, beyond me as a mother. And still, now that I am a mother, they are a part of me. As I see it, they aren't separate from me but at the same time, they are. I might be talking in circles here but I have finally discovered, it isn't an either/or. It's a both.

As a mother I have become a richer, fuller me and as my girls continue to grow and change and move away from me as the center, I can only hope I too grow and change gracefully, ever becoming the best me I can be, as a mother. As myself.

My Best Shot at Truthiness

Have you happened upon Sweetney's Truthiness gig? It all began with this post where she announced the Flickr group which triggered a whole movement of sorts and I've been intrigued ever since.

So, in the spirit of what another blonde, blue-eyed Tracey started, I offer nothing glamorous today, just me FIRST thing in the morning (pre-coffee no less) at my Truthiest.




If you have played along already I hope you'll leave a link to your Truthiness shot as well as whatever else that's true to you for your Best Shot Monday today. And, if you haven't shot the real you self-portrait yet, consider this a nudge to join in and reveal your Truth.

Good Morning Monday!

My Best Shot of Me (behind the camera, of course)

Recently, I was asked to shoot a self-portrait for a project that a good friend is working on. Although this shot isn't the one I gave her, it is one of my favorites from my little self-portrait session. I love off beat the texture in the shot (see noise all on the right side of the image). The trick? I shot it into a beloved antique mirror. The age of the glass can be seen in the photo and was nicely highlighted by the sunlight beaming in. It gives it kind of a funky nostalgic feel.



I think I like it mostly because I've been feeling a little funky lately...like maybe I'm going through my own little personal growth spurt. Those can be kinda weird. Good, but weird. This shot conveys the strangeness I have been feeling; a little melancholy, a little blue and a lot moody. I'll get through it, I always do. But for now. I have to just sit with the funkiness, reflect on it and then bid it 'good day'.

All that just to ask you, what kind of reflection does your best shot offer today?

Monday's Gifts

The other night while sitting at a bountiful table of full glasses, incredible women and glowing candles I helped celebrate a dear friend’s birthday. While thoroughly enjoying the camaraderie and lively conversation I was reminded that love and kindness come in many shapes and sizes. This particular evening they came in the form of twinkle lights and paper flowers. And birthday cake. But it was the vision of all the delicate flowers that has lingered. Handmade by one of the talented and generous women there, each flower bloomed out of love. I covet the one I brought home as it allows me to relive an evening cloaked in the beauty of caring.



Although perhaps a little less poetic, sometimes kindness can come in the shape of palm sized pink rectangles. I hope that the very deserving children who receive the DS Lites from Nintendo will feel that they are cared for. I know it takes more than a gift but a little extra something special can be a bright spot. Although I had at first planned on sharing details and links about these kids, I thought better of it and felt that discretion felt a little more appropriate The stories that you so bravely shared were intimate enough to just hold close. But, I will tell you though that the gifts went to very good homes. Thank you all so much for participating. I wish I had a truckload of DS Lites to give away as every one of the children you shared with me IS deserving and worthy. That is for sure. So, again, thank you.

And in the spirit of all things bright and beautiful, let me ask you, what shape does your Best Shot take this week?

Reflecting on my Best Shot

As our winter vacation comes to an end and Monday marks the beginning of the normal daily routine, I'm reflecting on the past few weeks and acknowledge that the Clark family had a really nice holiday. No drama and even better, no illness. That's huge! We also managed to cram in all sorts of very cool activities (without it feeling frenetic) and even enjoyed a few nights of grown-up time while the kids lived it up at the Grandparent's. All in all, it was a stellar vacation.

I tucked my girls in early tonight and already I hear the deep dreamy breathing of children exhausted from a fantastic two week break from the daily hustle and bustle of school, piano, ballet, homework, volleyball, hula and girl scouts. No doubt we will all wake tomorrow bleary eyed and one step behind as we stumble back into the daily grind but I for one can't wait to get my time back.

Big grateful exhale.

My Best Shot this week is one from the many great places we visited. There's just something about this photo that I love. How about you? Have you had a chance to reflect on your holiday? Would you care to share a shot or two? Come on, you know you do.

What's Your Focus?

Have you heard about the Mama Focus photo contest?






It's not too late to enter your best shot of...you. Come on, let's see it. It's about time something is about us Moms for a change, don't you think?

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AND THE WINNERS ARE...

My Magic Kingdom

When my girls dress up, it feels like the house is transformed into a place of magic, dirty dishes and all. There's just something about the wings!

Be sure to fly over to Picture This and leave a comment over there if you'd like a chance to win a copy of The Disney Princess Enchanted Tales DVD.

Tree Hugger

As I begin to write I am sickened by the sound of a chainsaw echoing through my neighborhood. Although the situation might not be a dire as it seems, my core rattles from the violent noise and I am further jarred by rhythmic crashes of dismembered tree parts being dropped into the back of a ratty old pick up.

Where there once towered a beautiful, thriving 35 year old Palm, there remains only sky.

You'll often hear people react with flippant remarks like, "it's just a tree" but for me the act of cutting down a vibrant healthy living thing seems like a senseless act; a disregard for nature, for beauty, for life.

The reasoning behind the brutal removal was that my neighbor didn't like the tree. Didn't like the tree? How can something so strong and statuesque be a nuisance to anyone? Did she never notice the way that tree danced in the ocean breezes, moving with it's partner (the now lone palm that still stands on our side of the fence), leaves intertwining, a slightly and slowly bowing with the weather? The bright green fans against the clear blue sky? It's deepening silhouette of the evening against the oranges and reds of the late afternoon sky? Did she not hear the sound yesterday of the wind coming in the trees, announcing to all that fall is making it's annual visit?

I am deeply saddened by the loss of a part of the landscape I have loved for the 5 years we've lived here. It is the last to go from the yard next to ours. There were 4 more a year ago but they had to go by order of the city. Seeing those 4 be butchered to stumps was hard enough but the neighbors that lived there then were given no option, just a notice on the door; an ultimatum that the trees would have to come down one way or another. In the massacre, they left one to remain as it was not "in the way" of the power lines. And now, for no reason at all, it too has been chopped to the ground.

There is a history with me and trees I guess. This is not the first time I have felt sadness for this kind of loss. As we moved into this house, we moved away from a home surrounded by trees; the 80 year old Jacaranda that wore it's lacy lavender gown every year and graciously cooled our unconditioned house in the summer and provided a playful, almost human form of outstretched stick arms in winter, the old craggy plum tree that only offered a few plums each year but whose bark delighted and intrigued me with it's texture and rich color, and the sister peach trees that would dazzle us with their spring display of tiny pink paper blossoms and then offer up their succulent fruit to our family providing enough to share with the entire neighborhood. Such generosity. Our ritual of the season's first peach is one of my fondest memories in that house, as we would take our pick of the warm, sun ripened fruit and sit on the shaded porch, as we allowed ourselves to become intoxicated by sweetness as we savored all we we hold in out mouths while the excess dripped down our chins. Nectar from the Gods.

Before we moved from that house, I took an afternoon in the yard, shooting photographs of our trees. They had been there long before us but we lived there long enough to feel they were a part of our family or perhaps more that we had become a part of theirs. It felt good to take the time to honor them this way knowing with each photograph I would be holding a memory. It was a way I could say thank you for all they provided us.

The house was sold to people who claimed they loved the trees and that made leaving a little less difficult. But one day I got a desperate call from a dear friend (our old neighbor) that they were cutting the trees down. Her voice was shaking and in the background I could hear the chainsaws. It was as if the wind were knocked out of me and I could hardly breath, let alone speak. And it was evident she felt the same way. They were killing the extended family we left behind. The trees all went, one by one. The lovely sisters, the craggy plum, and the glorious and nurturing Jacaranda until the house was left standing bare and alone.

I look around my house now and see the photographs that I took that delicious afternoon 5 years ago of our trees and am thankful for the memories they hold, grateful for the pictures that remind me of the energy and beauty that infused us and how very much I loved them.

As the chainsaw continues to rage outside I feel a small void in my heart as I am reminded that I miss our old trees and that now, one more is added to the list. Or perhaps it's more than just the trees. Could it be that I regard them as the living landmarks I encounter along my journey? Maybe these giants remain rooted in my life's landscape as symbols of my past or the memories of things I don't want to let go of. Being a bright eyed 20 something, falling in love, exchanging vows, birthing a baby, sharing the simplest of nature's delights with my daughter, finding my way as an artist, a wife, a mother, and woman? Maybe that's why when the trees come down my heart aches with the sadness of the ages. Maybe a tree by any other name is really just a part of me.

It's Just Me

I've always wanted to participate in the Self Portrait Challenge but never have. And it's not at all because I lack in self portraits. I am one of those people who like to take pictures of themselves. Yep. And apparently so do a great many other people so at least I'm in good company. Although I didn't officially sign up as a player this week, I took the challenge anyway and shot this sitting up my bathroom counter.

And then I was thinking, have you noticed how many bathrooms have fantastic natural light? I know mine do. And so did the one in my old house. I'm not sure if there's anything to that but I find it a little curious.

An Evening Exchange

Tonight as we walked from the pizza place to the shoe store (you can't go shoe shopping on an empty stomach) I said to my daughters something about really needing them to behave while we were shopping to make the trip as quick and painless as possible. Then I felt the need to drag it out with how unnerving it is for me when they constantly fight, bicker, moan and complain and how they were really out of control earlier and that it's just not OK. I think my ending line was "You guys are just really making me crazy."

As per the usual, my youngest didn't skip a beat when she answered back, "Having kids is really hard Mom."

What can I say but she's a master of deductive reasoning?

40 Things

Inspired by Janine's list at Destinations and in honor of my 4oth Birthday I have decided to attempt the 100 Things list. Remember that one?

I'm starting off with 40 (of course) and I'll eventually build on that.

Here goes-

I drink milk with dinner.

I read Oprah Magazine cover to cover.

I like doing crafts.

I have never lived anywhere outside of So Cal.

I’ve watched baby sea turtles hatch and make their way to the ocean.

I will always love the Grateful Dead.

I’ve broken 3 bones.

I was a cheerleader in High School.

I wish I could play the piano.

I don’t like lattes.

I still miss Sex and the City.

My first concert was to see Journey.

I put notes in my daughter’s lunch everyday.

I believe in magic.

I live for my 50mm compact micro lens.

I gave birth twice without an epidural.

I’ve been to Key West.

I actually like Chuck E. Cheeses.

I’ve shot too many weddings to count.

I’m a published author.

I don’t brush my hair.

I’ve been called a beer snob.

I’m a Nintendo Ambassador but I’m not a gamer.

I cry every time I read On The Day You Were Born to my kids.

I keep a stash of MnMs in my office closet.

I love my minivan.

I hate to mop.

I order oatmeal at restaurants.

Nature is my sanctuary.

My first car was a VW Bug.

I touched Justin Timberlake.*

I couldn’t live without my girlfriends.

I lost the diamond from my wedding ring and then found it.

I had a blood clot after the birth of my second child that went undetected for a week.

I wear slippers but not a robe.

I used to sing at open mic nights with a friend.

I like to watch golf on tv.

I traveled across country in a VW once when I was 5 and again when I was 25.

I eat ice cream almost every night.

I am 40.



*Just on his shoulder as I was trying to get by. And no, he didn’t touch me back.

The Good Morning Fairy

Is it just me or is there something magical about waking up to Tinkerbell flying through your kitchen?

Yummy

Food Fight!

A Mother's Question

What Makes You a Mother?

I answered that here but I think this says it all.

No matter how you answer that question (and by all means feel free to do so and join the Blog Blast) I wish you the Happiest of Mother's Days.

Fearless Friday

Fear is one of those topics that stirs up all sorts of emotions in people. I personally, have a love-hate relationship with Fear but have learned to revere its power to stop even the bravest of us dead in our tracks. We’ve all been paralyzed by Fear sometime in our lives and although it’s a universal experience, there is really no way to compare our Fear to that of another. Not unlike grief, we all have to process our fears in our own way; choose to face them or not, choose to run away or walk on. And although here is no such thing as the absence of it, there are some instances where we act boldly in it’s presence.

In a perfect world, I would just ignore Fear and forge through the fires of life, coming out the other side better for it. It’s a valiant effort and yet, I have found myself afraid of things as predicatable as beginning something new, leaving something behind, following my heart, saying no, saying yes, and of taking even the tiniest of risks. I have found myself debilitated by Fear; unable to make a decision, call the shots, or take the leap. I have given myself too much time to think and have let the voices of doubt drown out the whisperings of my heart. I have even surrendered to my fret and worry and have let Fear keep me from the things I desire. So, how can I expect to ignore something that has become commonplace in my life? I can’t. But I can carry on despite the Fear and do my darnedest to walk, step by step. Some steps bold and others not so bold but they are steps, none the less.

One might think that if we let the little things scare us, the big things would be that much more devastating. But, the truth is, when things have gotten really, truly and terrible scary, I have acted with more fearlessness than I ever could have imagined possible. In fact, I have become the most fierce when I have felt the most intense Fear. It has happens when my children’s well being is at risk or when something I deeply care about is threatened or attacked. I believe it’s a superhuman ability that can overtake us when we are triggered. We’ve seen it when an otherwise normal person lifts a car off of a loved one, when someone puts themselves in terrible danger because someone else needs their help, or when a mother sacrifices her own life for that of her children. It happens everyday. People do extraordinary things in the face of real Fear and it must seem to an observer that these people must be fearless. But, that’s impossible. It isn’t human nature to put ourselves in harms way. However, it is our nature to protect what matters and take care of what we love, at any cost.

I have seen an extraordinary, seemingly fearless woman in myself. I certainly don’t see her every day and I have no idea when she might reveal herself again but I know she’s there, lying idle within me. I know that in times of great Fear, she will appear as she has before, never failing me when I need her most. I don’t use her wisdom and as much as I could and have thought that perhaps I should invite her out more often; welcome her into my daily life, allow her to come play and help with the more minor decisions. It would probably help matters. But for now, I just nod and say “Namaste” to my Fearless Self. She’s impenetrable, focused, determined, clear headed, and impossibly strong.

It was a warm summer morning and my husband, 18 month old daughter and I were on our way to the beach. Radio on, windows down and the scent of sunscreen spoke of our perfectly planned day at the beach. But within minutes of being on the road, my daughter almost lost consciousness. My husband spotted her in the rear view mirror and raised his voice to me, “Something’s wrong! What’s wrong with the baby?” In one moment everything had changed. My husband raced off the freeway and the whole way to the emergency room I was beckoning my daughter to stay awake and as her head bobbed, barely able to speak, she kept whimpering, “Mama? Mama?” in her tender baby voice. As I sat in the backseat with her, the extraordinary woman came for me. She remained calm and steady, when I was at my breaking point. I felt for a few moments that I might lose my daughter.

It was a “freak accident” that a small piece of rust lodged itself into my daughter’s eye and it had sent her body into shock. She became lucid once we got to the hospital and the urgency and gravity of the situation let up a little. If wasn’t a matter of life or death but there was still reason for worry. After hours and hours of waiting, and talking to specialists and finally going through the removal process of the foreign object while my baby was strapped down to a board and a dental drill was used to extract the rust, I continued to be a vision of fearlessness. I stayed strong, focused and vigilant in my efforts to be sure my daughter was taken care of. It was my intention to keep my baby as calm as possible so the doctor could remove the fleck without surgery or doing harm to her eye. He had commented to me that my ability to keep her settled and relaxed was what we had going for us. When the nurse attempted to escort me out of the hospital room for the procedure, I made eye contact with the doctor and he commanded “Let her stay. This one is a good one.” Indeed, she was the best one. She was my Fearless Self. And she stayed with me for the remainder of that long day and into the night when I finally put my precious girl to sleep (thankfully in her own bed and not at the hospital). It was only then did my stoic Fearless Self let go as I fell into my husbands arms and wept.

Although my daughter came out of that situation unscarred, those hours left an indelible mark on me. Reflecting on the events of that day and other instances equally as intense in my life, I know now that it wasn’t my fearlessness that overtook me, it was my Fear. It proves that when Fear is that palpable, existing in every fiber of our being, we can become superhuman to overcome it. I think that is amazing and if I dare say it, fearless.

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It's Fearless Friday at MotherTalk. If you haven't already, I urge you to go read what other women had to say on the subject. It's awe inspiring.